I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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