Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
