At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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