saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
