my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
