This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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