i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
