I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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