You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
