Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
