i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
