Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
