I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
