don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
