Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
