remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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