I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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