I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
