Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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