Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
