Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize