For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
