i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
