I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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