if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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