I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
