I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
