You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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