Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
