I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
