Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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