im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
