Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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