I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
