my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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