He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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