I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
