I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
