i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
