things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
