We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
