Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
