I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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