my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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