I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
