Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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