no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
