Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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