I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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