Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
