Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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