Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
