Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just gift wrapped bread.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
