So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
