There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
