i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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