3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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